I was born in Toronto Canada, not the Canada depicted by Michael Moore where everyone leaves their doors open. We used to leave our doors open until we were robbed. Growing up a Toronto Maple Leafs fan you learn to live with a certain amount of disappointment.

My parents married young and were in love when I was born. That didn’t last. When they split up, me and my younger brother were raised by my father. Nobody messes with my little brother but me. My father is a very nice man, and we all know where they finish. I saw very little of my mother. My mother is an alcoholic, and when she drinks she can say some of the most hateful things ever uttered. I take after my mother. I’m a bit of a misogynist. Alcoholism and mental illness run rampant in my family on both sides. I’m part Native, that doesn’t help.

I did alright in school up until my third year of college when all I did was drink, smoke weed, pop pills and snort lines. In the last class I attended the chalkboard was waving in and out.

johnny

I’ve been in a lot of fights, probably around 30. I probably won about half of those (or lost half if you want to be a negative dick). One St. Patrick’s Day I came out of a black out in the middle of a fight with a bouncer, three seconds before he broke my nose. It’s been broken four times in total. On another St. Patrick’s Day someone broke my jaw. I’m not Irish.

After a fight I once ripped a man’s earrings out of his ears. I stopped wearing earrings the next morning. I broke a bottle over a guys face for bumping a girl I wasn’t even sleeping with. I still feel kind of bad about that.

I’ve slept with a lot of heavyset women, black, white and Latino.

I’ve had a DUI, if I ever want to get my license back in Ontario I have to have one of those stupid breathalyzer contraptions installed, the ones that make you look like you’re trying to suck your own dick.

I quit drinking 7 years ago. I quit sleeping with whores 4 years ago. I’m trying to be a better person.

Oh I also do stand up comedy.

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